Pondering life

I'm on that road to discover who I am again. I hate this road - the one where you have absolutely no idea what is around that upcoming bend. I hate this road - where I have to second guess my every intention, motive and action. I hate this road - when I try to be spontaneous and go with the flow, but in the end it seems that spontaneity ends up just kicking me in the butt. I hate this road, but right now I want to be on it because I know there are other things out there for me.

I've been thinking a lot lately, mostly about who I am and how people perceive me. It shouldn't matter how others see me, but I honestly think people are lying when they say they don't care what others think about them - everyone cares to some degree.

I'm trying to re-evaluate how I act in this world. I think about what type of girl I want to be and the girl I want to stay away from.

When I move back home for the summer I'm want to start going to church with my brother. I want to start meeting NEW people, but I want to be picky with the people I meet - I need them to be good influences for me. It definitely wouldn't hurt if I could meet a good guy, God knows I need one of those in my life.

I have an overwhelming feeling and impulse to be very cynical and bitter towards guys right now - In the past couple years I've been losing faith and trust in the male gender, and I would really like to find someone to prove me wrong.

It's kinda funny - all I want to do is run away from my problems and my life and start all over; be a completely different person. The thing is, I've been there and done that. I moved to England and I tried stepping in the shoes of someone I wasn't. In the end it made me more depressed and made life harder to live. Looking back on how I acted and what I did to become this new person was me just lying to myself and I don't want to do that.

Ok. I think this entry is done - I'm starting to ramble and I think I've said what needed to be said.

wine class is still fun

I've said it before and I'm saying it again...wine class is fun!!! We had 'Italian Night' tonight - aaahhh era cosí buono!! Seriously. I now need to go back to Italy and enjoy the wine and food. I mean, I enjoyed it the last time I was there (just ask my brother about the night I walked away with the bottle from the table), but the next time I go I know I will appreciate it even more. I've found every time I do revisit a place - no matter what city - I enjoy it more! This wine just made me sleep....and want chocolate. BUT, after the food, and alcohol, settles, I'm going to go for a run. Eh, this is turning into me just rambling, and for that I apologize! Or do I?! This is my blog dammit, so I should be able to ramble about whatever I want! shoot. I"m sleepy.

just looking

uh oh....It's started again...my wondering eye! I just spent the last hour and a half looking up jobs out of the state. I sent off two emails, one with my resume attached to Latina Magazine and the other to a Pub Crawl/Walking Tour of Rome I did several times. That one would be kick ass because they pay you daily or weekly...in Rome...for taking people around. Damn.

Me so stupid

Ugh. I just got my story back from Thayer's class and I seriously butchered the article I wrote. There were AP Style problems EVERYWHERE. Not only that, but I could have sworn I fixed some of the errors before I sent out the paper which makes me think I might have either A)forgot to save after I fixed the errors or B)Sent out a different version of the story. Eh, I don't know why I'm making up excuses. I screwed it up - it's my fault. Besides, I already have two A's and a high B in there, I can deal with this. Not only that, but 10% of our grade is based off our portfolio....and mine will KICK ASS!

Dammit..I'm procrastinating again!

Three hour drive

When I was a freshman an upperclassman told me the drive from Albuquerque to Las Cruces (and vice versa) would be easier each drive...I now believe that guy - whoever he was - is a big fat liar!

The drive this morning seemed to drag on FOREVER. I literally thought I would never see the Organ mountains and that I had passed the same curve about three different times. I will not miss the drive when I graduate; I've come to dread it. There are only a handful of times I can think of, when the drive wasn't that bad.

Since I'm obviously procrastinating writing my article...I will continue to tell you about my weekend. Easter has always been a fun weekend for me: There's Good Friday where I climb Tome Hill and have MY favorite meal; mashed potatos, corn and red chile all mixed together; Saturday where I spent the day hanging out shopping with my mom and then Easter, where my family has a BBQ and an Easter Egg Hunt. It's pretty much awesome.

*shoot. I just got REALLY sleepy*

Besides seeing and hanging out with my family a lot I also hung out with my friends. One of the nights we went downtown and had a little too much fun, another night we hung out at a house Jeff was house sitting and just chilled with some wine. Then the last night I spent talking to Mike. I LOVE hanging out with Mike..probably because we so rarely got to have an actual conversation. Heh, last night was great though...I helped him with his portfolio and folded his laundry (I realize I don't fold my own laundry, but maybe it was different since it wasn't mine). I also walked around Nob Hill for just a tiny bit with Jeff earlier yesterday and realized staying in Alb. won't be too bad this summer. I'm determined (as is Mike) to branch out and meet some new people and venture out in our city more!

Ok. I think I'm going to take a nap before I start this article....you know...to refresh my mind.

nothing important

So. I need to find a place to move. The problem is that now that I have this urge to leave...I want to stay. I know - I'm weird.

....I'm going back to Cruces in about an hour - boo.

there might be a change in store

...I've been thinking about changing a lot of things in the near future...

adorable

Standing at the back of a 15-person line this morning to get coffee on campus at Java City let me know I was not the only person whos weekend caught up with them. It's not surprising I'm feeling sluggish and exhausted though..not with the weekend I had!

Las Cruces was graced with the presence of two of my closest friends, Jeff and Eric, this weekend. They, under absolutely no pressure *ha ha*, came down here to hang out.

We spent Friday night hanging out at Hurricane Alley and listening to bands that had the volume up WAY too loud. I still don't really see the concept of a bar: Let's put a whole bunch of (probably) horny young adults in one place with a lot of alcohol. Let's also let bands play really really really loud so you can't hear a single word the person right next to you is saying. In the mean time, you have to try to have, hold and make a good impression with your new friend all while screaming and pretending you understood what the other person was saying. All in all Hurricane wasn't too bad; my ears rang for the entire car-ride back home, but I was slightly on the drunk side so it didn't bother me too much. I was also very content drinking my little 8oz. can of coors Light - ADORABLE! I think my head hit my pillow around 3 a.m. that night - that was after we all watched Cinderella...I mean...we watched Fight Club...

Saturday morning instead of being woken up by the sound of chirping birds or sunlight beaming through my window, I was awakened by the sound of clinking pans, rushing water and the sound of cabinets slamming open and shut; Emily was making breakfast, bless her. About an hour later - still in bed, in and out of sleep - I heard LOUD NOISES coming from the living room - our landlord was in town and decided it would be a fabulous idea to HAMMER the cabinate door back on -gggrrrr, angry face! He was there to turn on the cooler, but instead of doing that we heard hammering on the roof - we don't know what he was doing. What I do know is that we would not be sleeping anymore that morning. I did, however manage to write two articles in the midst of all the noise.

We decided to take a trip into Mexico that afternoon before the party - that was awesome. It was the first time I have been in Mexico during the day - phew, now when I say I've been to Mexico I at least have another story to talk about besides getting wasted for $10!!! We just walked around the mercado and had a pretty good lunch, mind would have been better if it had some green chile on it though! We decided the beer is way better in Mexico...mm....beer.

Instead of taking a nap, like Eric managed to take, the girls and I laid on my bed and acted really silly. I don't even know what we were doing! We started out just talking and then talking went to just saying random words, then random words became silly noises. Needless to say, there was a lot of laughing going on. We were being pretty loud and I actually felt bad for Jeff because we kept him awake!

I hit a low right after that; the house was dark and we were all pretty tired...the last thing I wanted to do was host a party at our house. Nine-thirty rolled around and nobody was at the party...the clock struck 10 p.m. and again, nobody was there. I was fading with each tick of the clock and promised myself if people didn't show up by 11 p.m. I was going to call it a night. Then, at exactly 10:45, our house went from about 7 people to more than 20...the kitchen was full and people started filling up the Fiesta Room.

The coolest part about Emily's 21st is that EVERYBODY dressed up - there were some pretty amazing and creative costumes - I love my friends and how silly we can still act. Here we were, only about two or three people still under the age of 21, and everyone was dressed up as a super hero - heck yes!

I have to admit that the highlight of my night was getting into a pillow fight and water fight. I've seen it happen in movies and I've always thought it looked so spontainous and fun, but I had never actually seen it in real life. I don't know how the pillow fight started, but it was in the living room and it was a lot of fun! I suppose I started the water fight (if we really want to point fingers). I took the liberty of initiating Eric into the "Rub Club" and instead of just enjoying the water on his crotch he decided he needed to return the favor by getting everyone in the kitchen wet! By the time the 'fight' was over, I could wring the water out of my hair and we had to clean up the floor in the kitchen because it was soaked with water! Lol..we scooted around with little towels under our feet - we looked like penguins!

(i'm trying to move this blog along....) Since it was Emily's birthday she got completely trashed, which left everyone to call SAFE-RIDE for a ride back to their house, I found that funny! The last of the party-goers left around 5:30ish in the morning. So much for an early night...I clocked out at 5:56a.m.

Sunday was a nice chill day...had an amazing breakfast at Sunset Grill in Sonoma Ranch - i'll be going back there soon...amazing green/red chile! Then we said bye to the boys :( Sad times, as always. And I passed out until later that night.

I can't believe how fast this semester is going by. Not including this week, we have four weeks of class left. This weekend is Easter so I'm going home..then I'm going back the weekend after for a concert. Basically I have about 20 days of school left - I can do this.

Thanks for reading :)

On top of the world!

Yesterday it felt as though I was on top of the world. Everywhere I went there was a gigantic smile spread across my face that I couldn't wipe away if I tried. This awesome day began when I opened my email after I woke up and found out that I received an email from Travelgirl. Not only did I get an email from Travelgirl, but the Editor-In-Chief, Stephanie Oswald, personally wrote it to me!!!

The incredibly amazing thing is that i just sent out my resume and cover letter last Friday afternoon and by around Noon on Monday she responded. Not only did she reply, but it sounds like there is a HUGE possiblity I might be able to get an internship, which she said could lead to a paid position, at Travelgirl!!! This is THE magazine I have my eyes set on to work for! I can't wait to find out what happens. Just with the fact that she noticed me and responded gives me so much hope for the rest of my career. Sending that off was a LONG shot and I honestly did not expect anything to happen from it. Even if I don't get this internship, I am much more confident about my work.

On the note of work, I also had two of my articles in the The Round Up! Not only that, but underneath my byline it said "Round Up Reporter" and "Arts Reporter," heck yes! I combined all those exciting things with two cups of coffee in the morning and by mid-afternoon I was running on some crazy adrenaline and a huge caffine buzz; it was fantastic!!!

I hope to hear back from the magazine soon, that way I can figure out what I'm going to do. If I'm not going to Atlanta (where the mag. is located) then I should start applying for other internships. Ah. Ok...I'm sure some of you are already tired of me talking about this, besides...I haven't even been accepted to any sort of position, I'm just ecstatic that she wrote back to me!

In other news, I'm procrastinating a little bit because I have a Interpersonal Comm. paper due tomorrow that I need to start. As soon as I post this it's off to writing I go. I think I've delayed the inevitable long enough...

Hope you have a super day:)

Coffee + Good things = Jessica a happy girl

I woke up this morning and I was in a good mood; not a bad way to start a day if I do say so myself! I've been really excited about sending my little package off to travelgirl, maybe realistically I shouldn't be getting my hopes up as much, but I can't help it...I haven't been this motivated in a long time and I'm going to just let it run its course!

With that said, I think I failed my Spanish test today. No joke, I walked out of there knowing I did not pass that...If only I could one day live up to my last name. I drowned my sorrows in coffee though and after that, and two more cups, everything was A-Ok!

So I went to Dion's to talk to Dan (the GM) and told him that I was putting in my two weeks because...I got the job at the Round Up!!! Woo-hoo!!!! Dan was awesome about it and really nice. He said that if I want I can work one day a week (which might be a nice $50 check every two weeks for not much work). I don't know, I'll have to think about it.

Another reason today was a good day was, and this might sound like I'm contradicting myself, I've been working on an article that is due tomorrow at noon. Nothing too out of the ordinary there, except I think I got way in over my head for this one. The article is dealing with medical terminology that I don't know or understand, but that I have to convey it so the average reader (which by the way has 8th grade reading skills) can comprehend.

Anyway, I've been trying to make contact with people to interview for a little while now and as of yesterday I didn't have ANY sources. But today it suddenly all fell into place and about 7 hours later (I had computer problems and a few breaks here and there, of course) I have a story. The problem I have now is that it's not long enough (by the class rubric standards), but hopefully the content will make up for the length.

So that's where I'm at right now. It's a pretty good place; I think I'll stay here for awhile.

I can predict the weather...

It's true, I CAN predict if it's going to be windy outside. This all started after I had knee surgery and now I can usually tell if it's going to be windy a day before the wind starts blowing. My left knee seems to get extra stiff and has a dull, pullsing pain. I looked it up and found THIS ARTICLE, makes a lot of sense! My mom, who had knee surgery YEARS ago can tell when it's going to rain...I can only tell if it's going to be windy. Maybe a qualification for Weather Men should be knee surgery...might help them out, we all know it wouldn't hurt them!

In other news for the day: I'm finished with my cover letter/resume to send out to two magazines! All I need is for my professor to look over it one last time and then I'll mail them. The two I'm enquiring about are travelgirl and Latina. These are two longshots, but I figure there is absolutely NO way I will ever work for them if I don't try...so I'm trying. After I send those out I'll work on getting my portfolio out to a few more realistic magazines; Albuquerque, New Mexico and a few other regional ones. The point is, I'm not going to be lazy anymore...I'm trying to motivate myself, stop complaining and freaking out that I might have chosen the wrong career, and make something happen! Even if I get a rejection letter, or several, at least I know they're looking at my stuff!

Yesterday I was talking to Sean and we were both saying how unmotivated and how our attitude has turned pretty apathetic towards life. He's graduating this year, so he's in the midst of freaking out...I'm just unmotivated. Anyway, I mentioned how I want to get away and go somewhere (like you haven't heard that before!). Then he said something that surprised me and really made me think. He said that if I were to move somewhere else, what would I be doing that I couldn't do here. Wow. He has an amazing point.

I have lived somewhere else and to be honest, even though I was thousands of miles away from here, it was still the same on some level. I started thinking about about what I would want to do if I lived in another city, say Boston, I would want to go out and enjoy its night life....so that's what I'm going to do here, in Las Cruces. I'm going to take advantage of what I have here for as long as I have it. This afternoon Laura and whoever else wants to tag along, are going out for happy hour. :)

Things are good!

Woot Woot

I just got back from the "Expert Meeting" at Dions. It was sorta weird sitting there, knowing that I might actually quit soon. I can't explain my attachement to Dion's...I really can't. The best I can do is compare it to a boyfriend/relationship:

I've been with Dion's on and off for 5 years and let's face it, that's longer than any real relationship I've had! It has seen me through my worst, my best and my in between. Sometimes I would go there to get away from crap that was going on in real life and other times I would use it to make my own life more exciting. Dion's treats me well; gives me raises, good food, new friends, a sense of power in some respect and it has even followed me to college. Dion's has ALWAYS taken me back, even when I left it for other places. It's stable and too comfortable. I have evolved just as the uniforms have, going from the ugly red smocks and barrets to the red aprons and baseball caps. How do you say goodbye to something like that?

:) Well..clearly I have too much time on my hands this beautiful Sunday morning...and I do mean morning! I just realized that I haven't so much as thought about school in a little over a week, and I think that's going to be a pretty big problem starting tomorrow! I have an article due for Thayer's class on Friday...and I don't have a single source yet...or the motivation to go find one. Fun times. There are only 7 weeks of school left. SEVEN. That's 34 actual days of the week (including the Friday off for Good Friday and NOT including the days I don't go to school).

Ok. I'm going to find something to do.

But it's for the kids!

I went to Walmart today to buy some much needed shampoo and toothpaste but as I was walking out of the store with my bag in hand I was stopped by the doorman guy.

"Would you like to donate some money today? ...It's for the kids," he said very slowly and quietly as though he didn't want to let the secret out.

OH! Well goodnes, if it's for 'the kids' then by all means, take all of my money! It's amazing how someone can guilt trip you into giving money or your time when it's 'for the kids.' I'm not going to lie, I was not a very nice or giving person tonight - I only had a dime left over from my purchase and I KEPT it. Of course I feel bad for it now...who knows where my 10 cents might have gone 'for the kids'. Heh.

just making small talk

I'm in Cruces and after a fantastic night's sleep I think I"m ready for a full day's work. Emily was here when I got home, so it was nice having some company around...she's leaving later today to go back to Albuquerque though, so I'll be looking to find someone to hang out with later tonight.

I'm working on a little mini art project - putting all of my postcards into frames and then making a collage out of the frames. I think it'll look pretty cool, i just need to go out and get some more frames. Then I also want to clean out my desk and make my room less cluttered. I doubt I'll do that though.

Oh, Bri called yesterday and said she's not coming out here next weekend - I'm kinda bummed about that, but now I'll just pick up some more hours at Dions. Last night I had a dream that I lived in Boston...it was great! Ok, I don't really have anything else to say so I'm gonna get going.

leaving home...again

My old computer is back and just like new...and you know what? I actually like it more than the 'new' one I had. All I have to do now is get all my music into iTunes. In less than an hour i'll be on my way back to Cruces...and I'm not looking forward to it, by the way. I realized that nobody will be in town! GREAT!!! At least I'll be working during the day, but everyone knows that it's not during the day when people get lonely, it's at night. I'll get through it. I have a few little projects I wanna work on (and by projects I think I mean you'll find me online till I can't keep my eyes open.)

um...I'm watching the Country Music Station, or whatever it's called (no judegment, my brother has it on), and this 'country' song just came on, but the band is trying to look like a rap group - I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT'S GOING ON...I'M SO CONFUSED!!!! They're singing about a Banjo, but the style they're using looks like a rap video minus the black girls shaking their asses. And they're missing the Bling. This is weird. Really weird. Ryan Shupe and the Rubberband - that's who i just listened to. Whoa.

Yesterday was such a kick-ass day, I had a blast!!! Nothing too significant happened in the morning, but in the afternoon Laura and I went to Red Robin because David was working. When I got there she already had a Tokyo Tea in front of her and before I could take off my jacket, David was making me some pretty drink. A fruity pebble (for me), Tokyo Tea (for Laura) and a 'chocolate cake' later, we were both pretty much declared drunk at four in the afternoon! Since we clearly could not drive home we decided to go see a movie at Century...and have another drink before the flick started. Ha ha ha, it was really awesome hanging out with Laura just relaxing and having fun.

After the movie we went back to her place where all I wanted to do was take a nap...but I pushed through it and we went to Coaches for kareoke with the guys. Almost the second I stepped into the place i got a pounding headache right behind my eyes - NOT fun. I still enjoyed every second I was with them though, how could I not?! Those guys are so unbelievable, I don't think they realize how amazing they are. I said bye to all of them, again (wouldn't it be nice if we never had to tell someone bye! It's really kinda depressing...I hate saying bye).

Even though I only came home for a few days, this has been one of my best spring breaks. I hung out with friends, saw old friends, drank, laughed so much my cheeks hurt and spent time with my family. Now I can go back to Cruces and work so I can travel!!!

On that note, I need to go finish throwing my crap into my bag, grab my iPod, some Starbucks and hit the road.