Coulda, Shoulda, Woulda

Carrie Bradshaw (aka Sarah Jessica Parker from Sex in the City) once said:

"As we drive along this road called life, occasionally a gal will find herself a little lost. And when that happens, I guess she has to let go of the coulda, shoulda, woulda, buckle up and just keep going."

Middle school was not a fun time for me. You see, there were these two girls named Shannon and Allie who made my life miserable. They were my "friends." Friends in the sense that they made fun of me every single second they could, would prank call my house, and said very mean things that I can still remember to this day. Sticks and stones didn't break my bones, but their mean words definitely hurt me. I was getting so many prank phone calls that we were one of the first homes I knew of that got caller IDs installed. Needless to say, when high school rolled along I was more than excited to ditch the bitch(es).

I consider myself a pretty nice person. I forgive somewhat easily and I can get on with my life. But there has always been a lingering resentment and anger towards Shannon and Allie, so imagine my shock when I saw Shannon standing in the hallway of my office tonight.

Oh. Yes. Seven-foot tall Shannon Coffey was. standing. in. MY. office. (Oh, and I'm not exaggerating about her being seven feet tall...ask anyone...) The second I saw her I shuddered inside and went back to being middle-school Jessica, wondering if she was going to bring the party to a halt by screaming some embarrassing story from my past.

Then I remembered that she was in my house. MY turf. I mentioned to some of my coworkers that my arch enemy was about 10 feet away (and filled them in on part of my history with her) and they all immediately told me I should kick her out. Not only that, but they said they'd back me up!

I wish I could say I walked right up to her and told her that she wasn't welcome at this party and that she would need to leave immediately. And I should've told her how being a mean person does have it's consequences, even if it comes later in life; that the way you treat people is how you can and will be seen for years to come. But I didn't. Even though I know I'm successful at what I'm doing, seeing her again made me cringe and made me want to go crawl back inside my shell. So I let her wander around my new office knowing that I was the one with a successful and amazing job.

Coulda. Shoulda. Woulda...

E-Me

I've had my cell phone for years. I'm talking at least three years, which is a very long time when it comes to a cell phone's lifespan. There's been talk of me wanting to get a new one, but why fix something if it ain't broke, right? Well, I may have found a reason.

I spent three very stressful days waiting to hear from Kenny. There were tears, awful stomach and head aches, and all the usual suspects showed up as signs that I was stressed. This morning, however, I received an email from him telling me that he was safe, sound, and hot. (111 degree weather will definitely make you hot.)

The other thing he mentioned was that he won't have the internet for another month. A MONTH! That's a pretty long time when we were expecting to communicate via the net. He did find a computer lab where he'll be able to use a computer when it's free, but who knows when that'll be.

That's when I decided a phone with email capability would be nice. Not so everyone could always be in touch with me (ACK!), but so I don't miss an email from him. I can't even tell you how much better I feel today after receiving a couple messages from him.

So there you have it. I'm ready to sell out and trade in my trusty white phone all because of a boy. Sheesh.

Military Girlfriend's Motto

Yesterday was a pretty rough day. I had to say bye to Kenny and just have faith that I'll get to hear from him again soon. Even though I know he didn't take his cell phone with him, I kept mine close by; not willing to acknowledge the fact that it will months before I receive a text from him again.

I woke up this morning thankful that my eyes are no longer burning or swollen, but I still have the ache in my heart (it's either that or I'm REALLY hungry!). Sorry. Trying to be funny.

While I was online last night (secretly wishing the plane he's on right now has internet access and his screen name would just pop up) I found a military girlfriends support site. It's amazing and I know I'm going to find a lot of help and support through it. Anyway, while I was searching around I found this and wanted to share it:

Military Girlfriend Motto:

I am a military girlfriend. I hold no formal recognition with the powers that be. I am at the bottom of the chain. I hold no Military ID card; I am not a "dependent" or a parent. The man I love may face unspeakable dangers, and I am at the mercy of those who possess this recognition for news. I understand this and accept this.

I am a military girlfriend. I have promised to be here for him upon his return, no matter how long he is away. People may say I am insane for making such a commitment with no guarantees, but I hold onto our promises and have faith that he will come home safe to me. I know full well that my love for him fuels him in the worst of times.

I am a military girlfriend, there is no ring on my finger to symbolize our commitment, though I love him no less for it. I hope every day that he will be able to call because a simple 30-second phone call can bring the greatest spectrum of emotions . . . smiling with tears in my eyes from so much joy and pain. My relationship is based on the brief communication where "I love you and I'm okay" speaks more than volumes and gives me the strength to keep going.

I am a military girlfriend. I take no moment spent together for granted. I hold onto every touch, caress, kiss, and every word. I have memorized the feel of his skin, his smell, the sound of his voice, and I play it over and over in my mind so that I will not forget. I cry myself to sleep some nights because missing him hurts so badly, but wake up the next morning, brush myself off, and start a new day.

I am a military girfriend, the events of the next several months hold my life, my love, and my future in the balance. When you watch the news reports, you may turn away and go about your business relatively unaffected. When I watch news stories of the war, I do not see nameless soldiers a half a world away. I see individuals who will be forever changed by war. News of every casualty causes me physical pain and deep sadness.

I am a military girfriend, not a spouse or family member. When you say your prayers for the wives, children, mothers, and fathers, please don't forget about me.

So. That's all for now. I hope to get this blog back on a non sad/weepy/military track soon. There are a lot of things going on at work this week, which should keep me busy (even at night), so that's good.

I'm going to get through this. I'm going to be strong, even if that means I have moments where I breakdown and cry.

Nobody Told Me It Would Hurt Like This

Writing has always been very therapeutic for me, which is one reason why I named this blog "Just Another Place To Escape." It's where I can release my thoughts in a somewhat productive (and sometimes not-so coherent) form.

I guess I've always been one to hold my emotions inside; only letting them burst at the last second. My brother has never had a problem sharing somewhat details of his life with us, but when it came to me I would always keep things kind of locked up. It's surprising really, considering that I'm a writer for a living, have a Type-A personality, and enjoy talking to people. But the truth is, my true feelings only come out on paper (or the world wide Internet), when hanging out with the girls, or when I have a breakdown and can't stop crying.

Which brings me to today.

Today it hit me that Kenny's leaving. Like leaving the country, and won't get to hear his voice or see him for several months, leaving. It's hard and it sucks. A lot. I'm sure it seems strange to a lot of people that I'm sad that my boyfriend, whom I rarely get to see anyway because we're doing a long distance relationship, is being deployed. The truth is, I'm not scared about him deploying, I'm just sad. And it sucks, because with the exception of my cousin, nobody I know has really been through what I'm going through. Nobody can tell me that everything is going to be OK because they've been there and done that.

So here's the thing that almost set the water works off today (I say almost, because the crying didn't start until I sat down, shut the door, and turned the ignition on in my car after work. Oh, and when my mom and I were in the kitchen later making dinner).

If you've been reading then you know my fiasco with buying a plane ticket to go see Kenny. It was ridiculous, but I bought it and am scheduled to fly out this Thursday and come back the morning of the 23rd. We both knew that he was scheduled to leave on Monday, June 23 in the afternoon. We also knew that it was a "plus or minus one day" scenario.

Not really a problem though. I mean, they wouldn't make everyone leave on a weekend, right?

Wrong. Kenny told me today he's leaving on this Sunday. SUNDAY.

Luckily he has an amazing friend out there who said he and his wife wouldn't mind me staying with them Sunday night and taking me to the airport on Monday morning. But still. That just took out 24 hours that I won't get to see my boyfriend. My mom thinks I should come home on Sunday morning, and right now Kenny and I are leaning towards that idea.

Just gotta rip the band-aid off, let it hurt for awhile, and have my mom be there to make it feel batter.

*Deep Breath*

Song of the Week (and the next three months)

I literally can't stop listening to this song, and I'm pretty sure that once Kenny leaves it's going to be playing on repeat every chance I get. Here's just one more reason why I love Jason Mraz:

Lucky by Jason Mraz, featuring Colbie Callet:
Do you hear me
talking to you
Across the water
Across the deep blue ocean
Under the open sky
Oh my, baby I'm trying

Boy I hear you in my dreams
I feel your whisper across the sea
I keep you with me in my heart
You make it easier when life gets hard

Lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again
Ohhhohhhohhhohhohhohhhohh

They don't know how long it takes
Waiting for a love like this
Every time we say goodbye
I wish we had one more kiss
I'll wait for you, I promise you I will

Lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again
Lucky we're in love in every way
Lucky to have stayed where we have stayed
Lucky to be coming home someday

And so I'm sailing through the sea
To an island where we'll meet
You'll hear the music fill the air
I'll put a flower in your hair

Though the breezes through the trees
Move so pretty, you're all I see
As the world keeps spinning round
You hold me right here right now

Lucky I'm in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again
Lucky we're in love in every way
Lucky to have stayed where we have stayed
Lucky to be coming home someday
Ohhhohhhohhhohhohhohhhohh
Ohhhohhhohhhohhohhohhhohhohhohhohh

c'est la vie

This morning one of the morning radio shows was talking about what your fantasy job is. Well, I'm working at my fantasy job right now!

Oprah said in an interview last month, "I feel like I would do this if I didn't get a dime for it, and that's why you know you are doing the right thing -- because it doesn't even feel like work."

I completely agree with her, and I hope I always do. I've been working at the magazine (officially) very close to a year now, and still genuinely love coming to work every morning. Sure, there are the days where I'd rather stay in bed, but everyone has an off day. Even when I'm up against deadline (like this past week) and things are absolutely insane I love it. I love the thrill of getting to tell someone's story and being a voice in the city of Albuquerque. I just love every aspect it, and think it's beyond cool that I can call my favorite hobby a "job."

*What's your fantasy job?*

Now on to less exciting stuff: Kenny's deployment in less than two weeks. Yup, the countdown is now at 13 days. Scary stuff. I'm not so much scared about the job he's going to do out there - he's reassured me about all of that. Actually, I guess you could say I'm more sad than scared.

Sad that I won't be able to talk to my best friend every day.
Sad that something exciting will happen, but by the time get to talk to him I'll forget to mention it.
Sad that he'll be alone in the desert.
Sad about the little things, like missing him.

He'll only be gone for two and a half months, which is an amazingly short amount of time compared to what it could be. He and I have also gone that long without seeing each other; we just haven't gone that long without talking to each other. Sigh. I'm sure there will be plenty of posts about how I feel about this in the future...

If I Was A Rich Girl

Let me just start by saying that it's a darn good thing I stimulated when I did. You see, usually after I buy a plane ticket that's it. I don't continue to see if I can get a cheaper ticket, or if I made a mistake with getting the one I got. I call it bad ju-ju. But yesterday, for some reason, I took a peak at Sidestep just to see.

This is what I found:

That's the exact flight I'm taking, but now it's TWO DOLLARS LESS THAN $1,000! How insane is that? You're probably noticing a flight on there for $677, and you're thinking to yourself, "why didn't you just get that flight, Jessica?" Well, the simple answer to that question is that I really didn't feel like taking 10 hours to get there.

Sheesh!

There must be more interesting things going on in my life. In fact, I know there are, but most of it involves work and I don't feel like writing about work after I've already written at work. Did that make sense? It makes sense in my head!

More exciting entries to come...I promise.

I Stimulated

Last night I did something I've never done before. I stimulated our weakening economy by pressing a "submit" button.

It was the hardest thing I've had to do in a VERY long time. Buying a round trip ticket to see Kenny before he leaves was an easy thing to do; it was spending the $846 that was hard. Yeah, you read correct. I spent close to $900 on a regular ticket to the largest and busiest airport in the country. Ridiculous.

For the past two months I've been keeping an eye on this weekend trip I wanted to take and the price just wouldn't budge. Finally, Kenny and I decided to split the ticket, bringing the price for both of us to see each other down to a little more than $400 each, much more reasonable.

Truth be told, I did find two different prices that were around the $550 range, but it would have taken me AT LEAST eight hours to get there; I'd have to change AIRLINES twice and planes twice. Not worth it.

I even called Delta and pleaded my sob story case (just a girlfriend trying to surprise - okay, a bit of a lie since he knew I was going out there - her boyfriend before he was deployed). Not only did they give me insight into when prices would go down, but the woman told me a HIGHER price over the phone. Ridiculous.

So, I'm now the proud owner of a crazy expensive plane ticket. And the next thing to tick me off about traveling is the annoyance that I'll have to buy a $5 snack on the flight if I want something to eat, spend $8 for in flight entertainment, and I better pack everything into a carry on otherwise it's an extra fifteen bucks.

So there you go, economy, I'm doing my part. O